You know those times when you struggle with something and you just can’t seem to shake it? You know it’s been a long time coming but you never really thought it would be something painful or something that you couldn’t get out of… yeah, I understand.
It sounds dumb too, doesn’t it? Not all the time, but sometimes if you actually tell someone about it, you feel absolutely ridiculous. That’s my favorite.
I love being helpless. I love knowing that I have struggles and I’ll always have different problems, etc. It’s the beauty of grace. It’s the beauty of vulnerability. It’s the beauty of honesty. I absolutely love knowing that struggles aren’t for not and that something comes from the heartache and strife.
You wanna know my problem? It’s really dumb. It’s all of the above (I hate that choice on final exams btw)… I feel lonely. I feel useless. I feel unloved, unwanted, unable, and not needed. Do I have friends? Yeah. Do I do anything outside of school/activities? Not really. So now I’m stuck, I have Jesus (which, yes, in some ways is comforting and in others you know that’s just the Christian Church Answer) and I have my family (who is proud of me most days) and I have Ryan (who is proud of me everyday)… but have you ever just desired companionship and never got it? That’s how I feel.
The things people do to make me feel this way, normally isn’t a big deal. And if I either wasn’t a girl, or wasn’t so weak in this area right now, I’d be able to think logically and not take it to heart. But since I’m a girl and I’m way to analytical, I put two and two together (two things that should never be put in an equation together) and because I’m so hurt and weak from the battle, I’ve been unable to take it like I should.
So now I’m stuck. I get better and one thing happens that just makes me draw into myself. It makes me tired of putting others’ feelings in the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to be gentle with people. I don’t want to think before I speak just incase I offend someone. If someone snaps at me I want to let them have it. I’m so tired of trying to be the loving friend that doesn’t get frustrated or bothered. Because, I am frustrated, I am bothered, and I’m too weak to do it alone. Scratch that, I can’t even do it. I realize that all good things that happen aren’t by my own strengths but Christ who is in me… but good heavens, He uses people too… and it’s been hard to accept the fact that I’m really not that important…
Ok that started becoming more emotional and less logical. Basically, I’m sad. And I’m trying to get out of this rut that I’m in. If you’ve felt this way, trust me… I’m feeling it now too. If you haven’t, I’m so very happy.
Oh, that I’ll stay nice to people and not let this take control of me…
