So… I know I can find this information in those “Christian Help” books… But honestely, all the ones I’ve read on this matter, although helped me at the time, are not what I need right now. Part of me doesn’t want to find one either, because I just want to findit… or have the answer find me…? Hmm…
My dilema, or unknown thoughts, you might ask? Well, here it is…. As a woman, what am I supposed to do? I totally understand as a human, what I’m supposed to do in the Kingdom of God. And as a wife I understand submitting to my husband and pleasing him and stuff (don’t go dirty on me here cause that’s not what I mean). As a mom, which is a really exciting thought, I’ll not only do the obvious and have the children, but I’ll be the nurturer and I’ll give advice and help raise them… all of that. But, even though I’m so excited about all of these wonderful things that come with being a woman, I can’t help but think thre must be more. Is that awful? It’s satisfying, don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait to be Ryan’s wife and for us to take those roles. I can’t wait to have a baby one day (a day far from now) and be a mommy… but it seems like it isn’t not enough.
My favorite thing about being a woman…. that would have to be the way I display Christ. A man displays Christ as the warrior. He comes in and saves the day just like Jesus (but not since he isn’t Jesus and he can’t die for me that way… you know…). He has a warriors heart and he strives to fix whatever he can. Through nature, God’s beautiful creation, it displays God’s wonder, His creativity, and how God can replenish. A woman gets to display God’s beauty, His soft heart, and His nurturing nature. I love all of those things. I love it. What a wonderful job we get to fill. Especially when we actually do it so that others can’t not see Him.
But, the dilema. I feel like a warrior too. But whose day do I save? I know I have no strength on my own, it’s only Christ’s… but I don’t feel like that’s my job, you know… to be the strong one… but I still feel I need to fight. But how as the soft, submitting, nurturer can I fight? It seems so contradictory.
I don’t want to be told about my inner beauty. I got it. I don’t want to be told what man I need to wait for. I have him. I don’t want to be told that as a woman I have certain places and roles in the church. I fulfill those… But what is it that I’m missing? And why can’t it be found in a book or something for women? And how come I learned the most about the meaning behind Christ’s view of femininity from a book written by a man and for men. That’s right. I felt more confident and I discovered so much more about me being a woman from a book that was written for boys to teach them what it means to be a man.
So… this is my search. This is my quest…. for right now anyways…
