Imagination by Bethony Dillon (love her…)

I need to be reminded of who I was
When I took my first steps out the door
All I said now follows me around
I’m reminded I’m not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me
Are the faces and the home I love
You’ve brought to my attention
I’m slowly changing and becoming
What I wanted to stop

Isn’t that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I’m at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off
I only stopped to look
In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm
I run, I run from you

Isn’t that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I’m at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up
And why you wake me every morn
The staff in my hand
Held in by your love
Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind
I set out with righteous indignation
But when I’m at your feet
Please look at me with some imagination
With some imagination

I got it and I hate it.

The problem with easy… I’m so comfortable, so relaxed, that I forgot my place as God’s daughter and creation. I’m not growing at all. I feel so rebelious as I “forget” to have quiet times and prayer times. I know that I need to be stronger and involve the Lord more in my life… I just haven’t. What am I doing?

I want a challenge. I need one. I don’t want to be safe anymore. If I’m safe then I’m not being stretched. If I’m safe then I’m not out there doing what the Lord has asked of me…

God, bring me a challenge. Make things difficult so that I rely on You. Not just for Your strength, but because I’ll be put in my place. Who am I without you? Nothing. Help me remember that…

My dilema, or unknown thoughts, you might ask? Well, here it is…. As a woman, what am I supposed to do? I totally understand as a human, what I’m supposed to do in the Kingdom of God. And as a wife I understand submitting to my husband and pleasing him and stuff (don’t go dirty on me here cause that’s not what I mean). As a mom, which is a really exciting thought, I’ll not only do the obvious and have the children, but I’ll be the nurturer and I’ll give advice and help raise them… all of that. But, even though I’m so excited about all of these wonderful things that come with being a woman, I can’t help but think thre must be more. Is that awful? It’s satisfying, don’t get me wrong.  I can’t wait to be Ryan’s wife and for us to take those roles. I can’t wait to have a baby one day (a day far from now) and be a mommy… but it seems like it isn’t not enough.

My favorite thing about being a woman…. that would have to be the way I display Christ. A man displays Christ as the warrior. He comes in and saves the day just like Jesus (but not since he isn’t Jesus and he can’t die for me that way… you know…). He has a warriors heart and he strives to fix whatever he can. Through nature, God’s beautiful creation, it displays God’s wonder, His creativity, and how God can replenish. A woman gets to display God’s beauty, His soft heart, and His nurturing nature. I love all of those things. I love it. What a wonderful job we get to fill. Especially when we actually do it so that others can’t not see Him.

But, the dilema. I feel like a warrior too. But whose day do I save? I know I have no strength on my own, it’s only Christ’s… but I don’t feel like that’s my job, you know… to be the strong one… but I still feel I need to fight. But how as the soft, submitting, nurturer can I fight? It seems so contradictory.

I don’t want to be told about my inner beauty. I got it. I don’t want to be told what man I need to wait for. I have him. I don’t want to be told that as a woman I have certain places and roles in the church. I fulfill those… But what is it that I’m missing? And why can’t it be found in a book or something for women? And how come I learned the most about the meaning behind Christ’s view of femininity from a book written by a man and for men. That’s right. I felt more confident and I discovered so much more about me being a woman from a book that was written for boys to teach them what it means to be a man.

So… this is my search. This is my quest…. for right now anyways…

How wonderful our God is. He took me from a deep and low place and blessed me with his joy, peace, and comfort.

I feel I have nothing to say. I feel I’m at no point in life, even though there is so much going on.

I can’t help but wonder… God teaches me so much when He’s breaking me. I love it. It’s hard, but He reminds me of my imperfection and the need of His perfection. But, when it’s not a “hard” time… I feel like I’m not learning a lot or being rejuvinated sometimes… is that my fault?

I definitely need to learn how to be better with my time and who I place first. Maybe that’ll help.

Oh… and I wrote something about the Holy Spirit (something that’s confusing for a lot of people and isn’t talked about too often) but I lost it… however, the Holy Spirit? Yeah, pretty much amazing.

The End.

I like this song:

You changed my mind
You said something I had never heard
Something that is too high
It’s left me limping and in wonder

Because all the things I know
Suddenly seem so small

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar’s heart

Hands reaching through barred windows
Falling asleep on the sidewalk
You say You draw near to the low
Now I’m here, I know I’m not low enough

Because all the things I know
Suddenly seem so small

When You build, it feels like You tear me apart
When you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when You fill, You leave me with a beggar’s heart
-“Beggar’s Heart” Bethan Dillon
]]> http://captivatedheart.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/nothing-about-nothing/feed/ 0 Janie http://captivatedheart.wordpress.com/2008/10/05/ouch-valley/ http://captivatedheart.wordpress.com/2008/10/05/ouch-valley/#comments Sun, 05 Oct 2008 03:59:34 +0000 cowgoesmoo05 http://captivatedheart.wordpress.com/?p=18 ]]>    Oh the seasons of life. You know the ones I’m talking about… when you’re low, very low. You’re happy, and then one little thing brings you down… again. You don’t want to be sad, disappointed, lonely, or depressed but it seems there is no way up. Just like the commercial, I’m there. Why? I’m there because of one disgusting and pitiful word, pride. You know what’s worse? I didn’t know I had it that bad.

   Oh how dumb I am. And then, I realize the reason why I want to do oh so much is because I think that for some reason I am needed to do something… me, a sinner and imperfect human. Oops. I messed that one up. I completely forgot that the things I have done, still do, and will do, aren’t things I’ve done on my own or by myself. Again, I’m imperfect. What can I do?

   Oh how I love that we as sinners are imperfect. Have you ever stopped to think about it? I get on to myself for not being or doing well enough, and yet… I love that I mess up and that I’m imperfect (I guess hypocrisy should be my next lesson). If I or anyone else wasn’t imperfect and a messer-upper, we wouldn’t need perfect grace.

   Oh the beauty of grace! How wonderful that we do nothing of worth. How wonderful that the good we do is not ours, but His.

   So even though I’m in “Ouch valley”, where someone honestly tells me what I’m doing wrong in His eyes and He is growing me, I just have to say… this isn’t a bad place to be. Its name sounds a little scary and, lets be honest, doesn’t sound much appealing, but that’s where we learn. This is the picture of falling. This is the picture of being picked up instead of doing on our own. This is the picture of growth and change, again two scary times… but without it where would we need and how could we love more each day?

   So, hello Ouch Valley! I’m Janie… do what needs to be done… and Beautiful Jesus, lead me in what you’re wanting and where You’re wanting me to go. It’s not my job or my steps… let them be Yours.

You’re Love is Strong 

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The House of God Forever
The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you’ve found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

God is my shepherd
I won’t be wanting
I won’t be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
‘Cause you are with me
You are with me

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever

I was playing the song on the piano from the last post, “God of This City”. Well, I never knew there was even a second verse until I printed out the chords and words myself the other day. The last line in the second verse says, “You’re the Joy in the sadness”… oh how true that is for me now.

Yesterday I looked up Happiness in Joy in the thing I like to call a concordance in a book (the Bible)… it’s exactly what I needed to do. The awesome person from the first paragraph told me I should try this. And then this morning I did the words Joyful and Rejoice. Then I read a verse that I’ve heard, sang, and said a million times…

“This is the day that they LORD has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Psalm 118:24

This is a day. Even though I thank my Beautiful LORD for yet another day of life and to live for Him, I still have a tendancy to let my worries and stress and emotions get in the way of letting His will be done… not mine.

That’s it.

I’ve been through so many seasons in the past year… even since April…

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to England at the very beginning of summer. I had such a hard time in the beginning, but, after a few days passed I really got to be light in such a dark dark world. They do everything different (which isn’t a bad thing) and I’m pretty sure they didn’t know what to do with us. I met an incredibly sweet old man that touched my heart. He seemed to get no love from anyone, not even his son down the street. It was so wonderful to see him finally smile, and tell us awesome stories about war. We got to put on a skit for the children and reinact when Jesus calms the storm (I got to be the rain!). We spent so much time with youth from the church and school. They had no idea why we’d pick their little town in England to go on “holiday” and why we’d care to talk to them and clean up after and serve them. No one understood the way we did church and I certainly didn’t get their’s… but for those that were Christians lighting up Nunthorpe, it didn’t matter. Church was them, because they are the body. We agreed, disagreed, shared veiws, talked, laughed (a lot), got very confused by their “language” (why can’t they just speak English over there?)… My friend and I even got to sing at this “show” that the church put on, mainly for the parents of the children and teens that didn’t go to a church at all. We did a song that touched our hearts the first time we heard it, knowing full well that made us think of England (I knew it and I hadn’t even gone to England yet…).

Summer has passed us by so fast. It was a good summer, although I don’t remember most of it. I feel so spoiled and longing for so much more than I need.

Oh God, please let me see the way You see.

I’ve had to give up all these organizations and things that I love doing around campus because of my major. I can’t help but feel utter jealousy for those that get to be involved… I want to be brave. I know that being a leader means stepping back so others can step forward, but I honestly, and ashamedly, don’t want to. I feel like I’m not finished, but I see nothing that I can do. No way that I can help… especially after my accident. But it’s ok somehow. I have faith and trust that it’s all apart of a bigger plan that I can’t see nor want to see… cause where would the fun and surprise be if I knew what was going to happen?

Not my will but you will be done, Beautiful LORD.

It is nothing profound. Nothing special to write home about or learn from. I’ve struggled and learned so much I can’t even begin to put it on here. Nor can I say it eloquently enough for it to sound as magnificent as it was when, the One, taught it to me.

But, oh, that I can really and truly be a light in the world. That I can be Jesus with skin on. That all anyone can see of me is not Janie, a school teacher, Ryan’s girlfriend, or someone who laughs too loud and too much… but that the only thing they see and hear from me is Jesus. That is my greatest desire. It has always been in me somewhere… but now more than ever, I feel I need to give some things up (even though that scares me more than anything) and grow closer to Him so that I can be Him to someone… anyone that is in darkness and is searching.

You’re the God of this city
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation
You Are

For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here

You’re the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You’re the King above all Kings
You Are

You’re the strength in our weakness
You’re the love to the broken
You’re the joy in the sadness
You Are

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here

There are still a so many things that our Great God wants to do… and I can’t wait to be apart of it all.

It sounds dumb too, doesn’t it?  Not all the time, but sometimes if you actually tell someone about it, you feel absolutely ridiculous.  That’s my favorite.

I love being helpless.  I love knowing that I have struggles and I’ll always have different problems, etc. It’s the beauty of grace.  It’s the beauty of vulnerability.  It’s the beauty of honesty.  I absolutely love knowing that struggles aren’t for not and that something comes from the heartache and strife.

You wanna know my problem?  It’s really dumb.  It’s all of the above (I hate that choice on final exams btw)… I feel lonely.  I feel useless.  I feel unloved, unwanted, unable, and not needed.  Do I have friends?  Yeah. Do I do anything outside of school/activities?  Not really.  So now I’m stuck, I have Jesus (which, yes, in some ways is comforting and in others you know that’s just the Christian Church Answer) and I have my family (who is proud of me most days) and I have Ryan (who is proud of me everyday)… but have you ever just desired companionship and never got it?  That’s how I feel.

The things people do to make me feel this way, normally isn’t a big deal.  And if I either wasn’t a girl, or wasn’t so weak in this area right now, I’d be able to think logically and not take it to heart.  But since I’m a girl and I’m way to analytical, I put two and two together (two things that should never be put in an equation together) and because I’m so hurt and weak from the battle, I’ve been unable to take it like I should.

So now I’m stuck.  I get better and one thing happens that just makes me draw into myself.  It makes me tired of putting others’ feelings in the forefront of my mind.  I don’t want to be gentle with people.  I don’t want to think before I speak just incase I offend someone.  If someone snaps at me I want to let them have it.  I’m so tired of trying to be the loving friend that doesn’t get frustrated or bothered.  Because, I am frustrated, I am bothered, and I’m too weak to do it alone.  Scratch that, I can’t even do it.  I realize that all good things that happen aren’t by my own strengths but Christ who is in me… but good heavens, He uses people too… and it’s been hard to accept the fact that I’m really not that important…

Ok that started becoming more emotional and less logical.  Basically, I’m sad.  And I’m trying to get out of this rut that I’m in.  If you’ve felt this way, trust me… I’m feeling it now too.  If you haven’t, I’m so very happy.

Oh, that I’ll stay nice to people and not let this take control of me…

I’ve always known that God loves me, loves us, like a groom loves a bride, but I’ve never felt or experienced what a love like that was. Not from a human stand point. So now I’m learning and seeing and feeling and knowing what it really means. What His love, and any real unconditional love for that matter, really means, how it feels, and what to do about it. I feel so beautiful. And not just as a woman made in God’s image and made to show His tender and nurturing side, but I feel beautiful because of His love. Although I’ll never be a groom that is in love with his bride (well, lets hope not anyways!) I have somehow been able to understand this love. Through many different relationships and experiences. And I’m not going to lie, my boyfriend, Ryan, has helped show me this more than anyone. No matter how much I mess up, no matter how analytical (lets hope I’m not to much of this for his sake), or “girl” like I get (and when I say girl like I mean that awful way all girls act at some time and you just know to stay away) I’m loved. God anticipates me. He anticipates us. When we allow ourselves to become fully His… I just think it’s so beautiful. What an amazing picture He has given us… because He knew that somehow and someway we would get it.

It seems this whole semester has been a challenge. You know those kind with the dumb classes, that you try to like or find some sort of common ground but just don’t. The kind of semesters where you remember, “Oh yeah… I’m supposed to be an adult.” Yikes… the “A” word. I’m so ready for life to really, fully start. I anticipate so many things that I’ve longed for and have desired for my future… and yet I’m realizing I really don’t want it to rush to get here… Oh my. The beauty of growth.

I like to compare life and growing up to the four seasons. How beautiful is the picture of Christ and having a relationship with him than seeing Him in the joy and kid-like fun as in Summer. Or those times when change comes in… everything is going a completely different way than it was but the end result is always an amazing color like in Fall. Then there are times where you feel dry, almost like you’re hybernating because things have to die-off so that it can become new again, as in Winter. Which is when my favorite part comes in… Spring. The time of growth and those things that died off in Winter have become alive and awakened. They have been revived, restored, and made new. Well I say, what more perfect time than Spring to be revived and to grow?

I’m definitely ready for things to be over, at least this semester… But I’m so excited for what God has for me now and through the rest of this semester so then why should I want it to be over? Because it’s hard? That’s a dumb reason… but if I look only ahead at what maybe might one day happen with my next semester then I miss the beauty of the growth and restoration… I don’t know… It’s just a lot for me…

Oh, and by the way…. I’m going to England soon and I can’t wait.

While we were flying from Houston to Benham, in ridiculous weather that we shouldn’t have flown in, I looked down and watched… life, that is of course after the plane stopped jumping up and down.  It was so peaceful.  Even the traffic on the main highways, that I know was probably not pleasant for the people in it nor was it peaceful, but from where I was sitting it was perfect.  Random houses had Christmas lights, you could see other planes in the distance getting ready to bring friends and family to loved ones for Christmas,  and and and… I don’t know…. something about being so far away yet so close and seeing all the little homes and cars and cities and people (no I couldn’t see them from the plane but I know they were there) it brought a peace.

You know what I loved about it?  I still don’t know how big my God is.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand that… and I’m ok with that.  I feel so un-at-peace and yet knowing how small and helpless I am brings me peace.  Normally feeling small and unable makes me feel self-conscious and kind of unworthy.  Oh, no.  That is not our God, and He doesn’t want me to feel that way and yet He made me unable and small… why?

I started a new Bible study.  It helps you learn how to pray the names of God.  To be honest I was a good “prayer warrior” type person when I was younger and though I do talk to my Daddy often it’s either too casual or too selfish.  Also I’ve always wanted to study the names of God.  Have you ever wondered why there was so many?  God’s names have to do with the personality of God and the actions He has done.  The first name was Elohim.

Elohim: e-lo-heem; noun
1. Hebrew name of God used in the Old Testament
2. Means God the Creator

There was my answer.  God is my Creator.  He holds me, and everything else, in His calm, strong, and assuring hands…  Although I may be small and weak and even unable at times, it’s because of those times that I can feel Him.  Feel His hands.  Feel Him through His creation and love.  I feel Him through His Peace.  Because of this peace, because of His hand, because of His strenth… I can do anything.  Not me, but Him through me.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
   His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
   and to Him who has no might He increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
   and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
   they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
   they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31